Friday, Jan. 02, 2004 - 1:36 pm
my immortal written at 2:20 am on new year's eve/day

as my left hand gropes for my necklace, i rediscover the damp collar on an otherwise clean t-shirt. elsbe caused this... crosses my mind, yet i push it away. she didn't mean to. you just finished talking with her in the van, you understand all of this already. why are you bringing it back up? it's over now, everything's okay, she's not upset with you - it was a momentary thing that was meant for a random person, and you were there.

it was going on two. the night had gone a lot better than expected. i didn't fall apart or anything - i'm actually, evidently, still in shock or denial. the new year was brought about whilst laying on the couch at elsbe's house, watching some more inuyasha with her. she needed to get up at nine in the morning for mass, later on being ready to go to work. already she had said i'll take landa home after this one at least through two episodes, but had given in and stayed a little longer. this time, i decided to give a little push.

i got up, went over to her, grabbed just under her arms, and gave a playful tug. elsbe granted me the power to fly - into the adjacent coucl. as i sat in shock a second, she stormed away from me to get her keys, back into sight for her jacket, and stormed out to start the van. heinzi asked how can you stand to be friends with her? and at that exact moment in time, i couldnt' answer him. i believe i muttered something similar to of course when she decided to get pissed at me like this it's the day after my aunt dies, why the hell not? as i walked through to the dining room and picked up my jacket. i managed thank you for letting me come over to her mom and brother and was told i'm welcome any time from both as i slipped my arms in the sleeves. replacing my sketchbook pencil in one pocket and my camera in the other, i began to head outside... unsure if they had heard the tears through my voice.

i was scared of her.

i got into the van, telling her i'm sorry i pissed you off. i thought you knew i was joking around. she didn't respond, so the tears began to flow much faster, though not as strong as they could have. maybe she'll think i've gotten stronger if i don't slouch so much and don't cover up my face. i tried miserably at both, though it would have been better had the tears simply stopped flowing. it was as if i needed to prove something to her, but even now i don't know what. it physically hurt to restrain the whimpers that came along, though i know i missed a few of them.

i'm sorry.

i glanced over at her and tried to stop crying at this. it took quite a bit, but i did. while going down the expressway, i pulled my shirt collar up to dry my face, replacing the glasses i don't even remember taking off. it took until we were in the neighborhood streets again for either of us to speak, but i started.

hey, why's the channel five tower out?
maybe y2k actually did happen...
...four years late...
...and the cyborgs have come seeking human flesh.

from the way she just started playing off of that, i knew she hadn't meant anything. my elsbe was back and everything was okay. she had turned onto my street, but somehow i felt it wouldn't be so simple as that. we reached the driveway and had a mini-version of those spring break talks we'd had.

i'm sorry. i'm just frustrated with... everything.
if i was mad, would i have started talking?
i don't know.
no, you know me better than that.
i know... i'm just tired of working. i stay up until four in the morning with my brother because he wants to be with me, then have to get up early in the morning. this is how they repay me for always being on time, by making me get up early on new year's day. i could be drunk right now; i feel drunk since i'm so tired.
::blinks::
i'm just... i had a hard day today. it was powerball day and..
..no offence, but i think i had a bad day too.
i know, and i'm sorry...
hey you. ::points at seatbelt:: undo for a sec.
::hugs::
::half hugs, as one arm is stuck holding sketchbook::

we talked about inuyasha for a bit and how i should evidently come over again on friday to watch more. somewhere in there, she said that as of tonight she's inu.

why are you a dog?
well he does remind you of me, doesn't he?
yeah... but what does that make me?
..yasha.
so i get to be a spirit?
a forrest spirit.
i could deal with that. as long as i get the power to fly, that was kinda fun ::grins::.
you weren't thinking 'fun' when you were doing all that crying.
it took a couple minutes to set in.
i've never made you cry like that...
it's something to look back and laugh on. i liked flying ::grins again::.
o..kay...
::hugs:: thank you... for dealing with me tonight.
thank you for dealing with me tonight.

~*~*~*~ <(^_^)> ~*~*~*~

my shirt collar is still a bit cold, my eyes still feel a bit funny from crying without totally unraveling. she gave me at least a partial release. a part of me - the part that has realized she's gone - has been begging for that for right at twenty four hours now. the rest of me? i'm not sure when she'll wake up. though elsbe truly hurt me for the first time tonight, she also helped in that way... and she cared enough to take care of things instead of letting them seethe forever.

--the forrest spirit looks around the forrest before bed, making sure things are as they should be. she finds that the fear and anger have melted away, seeing tiny scars where they once were, though she knows they were much larger. after one last check, she stretches before jumping up into her tree, sharpening her claws on the way up. swishing her tail contentedly, the tiger spirit lays her head down into her paws and gently closes her eyes for the night, letting out a solitary tear for the entire forrest before falling asleep.--

+ your eyes as we said our goodbyes +