Sunday, Oct. 19, 2003 - 5:42 pm
put the lime in the coconut... so here i am. still haven't gone to sleep. in all actuality i feel about as far from it as humanly possible at around six am on a saturday night/sunday morning.

sasha letting me borrow more than one movie was a bad decision. i've watched all three tonight, thinking about things taking place in each of them... and feeling as if i lived in them as i watched them. i'm used to that feeling from any given book or movie, but it was intesne tonight. the most intense of the three? practical magic.

back in eighth and the first half of nineth grade, i loved that movie more than anything i had seen in my entire life. i watched it whenever it came on (when mom would allow it), and i fully believed that i could set a spoon to stirring a cup of coffee or something of the sort on its own. i remember trying so long to be able to do that, sometimes getting it spinning fast enough to go around a few times on its own before it stopped and leaned itself along the side of whatever glass had the privilage of being my expirimentee that day. i believed that there was a power inside of me that i didn't use, that i could one day harness and learn to use to the best of my ability. it was around this time, actually, that the sixth sense i have for "family" members started kicking in full tilt. there had been small pangs in the back of my mind before this time, but now there were full blown stomach cramps and headaches letting me know that something was going on. i remember my best friend leslie starting to call me sally for watching that movie so much, which i in turn started signing letters to kristen with. even then i saw a part of myself in her. even then i felt a little drawn to paganism, though i knew that not all of what they said and did in the movie was really what it was. i knew people couldn't be brought back from the dead and all of the things pertaining to that, but i knew that the other things were possible.

though above all, i remember this line. i didn't remember it exactly until i heard it in the movie, then i scribbled it down as quickly as i could:
do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin really fast? that's what love's like. it makes your heart race, it turns the world upside down. but you've got to be careful - if you don't keep your eye on something still, you can lose your balance. you can't see what's happening to the people around you; you can't see that you're about to fall.

how i wished that i could feel like that. after the first time i saw the movie, i went outside and spun around for at least five minutes before i hit the grass, giggling in how i knew i felt what she was describing. the whole time i tried to keep an eye on mom's truck, and though it turned into a big dark green blur i could do it. i lay in the grass staring up at the sky through the trees in my front yard and saw it spinning above me. the world was upside down, the sky circling the earth instead of the other way around. my heart was racing, i could feel it in my chest and see my shirt moving up and down a bit aside from breathing.

but since then, i've taken to another quote from the movie - one rather shorter that gets to the point a lot quicker:
there is no man, gilli, only that moon.

it feels as if there's no one out there sometimes. well not even sometimes anymore, a lot of the time... the majority of the time.

and if he doesn't exist, i'll never die of a broken heart.
i die quite regularly of a broken heart, actually. one can at least feel dead inside from not having him or her there with them. it's a feeling i got quite used to a long time ago and can deal with as long as i need to... but i despise it. i don't go around looking for something that isn't there anymore, i just leave it all to fate for the most part. a guy talks to me on yahoo? my mind classifies him as a pervert before the conversation gets past hi, asl?, and nothing can really be done about that in my mind anymore. someone emails me because of an old ad on a website? they get a chance. someone simply talks to me because they are at least relatively interested in me after meeting me at school or out in public somewhere? doesn't happen. never has. not saying that it never will, but it's rather doubtful.

i want to share these quotes for those of you who might have some misconceptions about things. i know there aren't many of you left, but there's at least one who reads this who still does:
it's a pagan label and sally... is definately not into that stuff - pertaining to hexing people and various things of the sort.
::said with heavy sarcasm:: you should come around on halloween, you'd really see something then. we all jump off the roof and fly. we kill our husbands too. or is that outside your jurous diction?
there's no devil in the craft.
magic(k) isn't just spells and potions. your badge? it's just a star, just another symbol, your talisman. it can't stop criminals in their tracks, can it? it has power because you believe it does.

i've fallen in love with this movie all over again... and not just because sandra bullock is hot.

i believe i shall go change loads for the laundry now. might as well stay awake since it's around the time i would normally get up on a weekday anyway. besides, i'll actually sleep tonight if i do this now.

right now
singing: anywhere // evanescence
talking to: you
wishing: i could live a movie
feeling: groggy
wanting: sleep i suppose

+ your eyes as we said our goodbyes +